My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
