You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
