My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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