____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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