He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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