Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
