if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
