I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't notice because vodka
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
