Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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