I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
