Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
