Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize