Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize