You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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