I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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