My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
