You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This is my gift to your gina
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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