dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize