Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
