i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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