Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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