not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
