my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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