is your mom at the bar?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't deserve a penis
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
