broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
