The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize