I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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