u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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