dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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