yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
