You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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