the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
