Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
