Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
