You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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