You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
