It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
