That's when you crack a 10am beer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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