i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
