the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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