Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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