i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I AM VODKA MAN
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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