i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
