drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
