Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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