Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
