is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
