We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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