Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize