I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize