we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
