oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
