He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
