dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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