I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
