He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Floor bacon is actually really good
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
