I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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