either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
