Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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