life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
