WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
