the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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