nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
