The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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